Between the Layers (Continued)
A History of the Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society, (written by Alastair Work, the Society's founding President in 1987)
PrefaceThe Tunnocks Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society was founded in 1982 by a small group of students at the University of St Andrews in Scotland. It was unexpectedly successful and continued to amuse students and graduates for 25 years.
The text that follows has been lost to the Society for over a decade, ever since an abbreviated version of the printed copy of "Between the Layers" was posted on the University's webpages (with the spelling corrected and certain perceived minor vulgarities removed). Those pages have themselves now lapsed. You might like to think of this as "The Director's Cut".
The Story so far (told on the previous page): some unhinged scholars have started worshipping Tunnock's Caramel Wafers. Word has got out about their exploits and a membership "fee" of 20 wrappers has been set. All wrappers are stuck on the wall of their turret room. Now, it really starts to get out of hand:
Between the Layers (cont)
In the months that followed worshippers came from far and wide to pay their tribute in wrappers and to scrounge cups of coffee from Atholl 309. Great was their enthusiasm and great their appetite and all of them effortlessly achieved the membership tribute. The collection grew to well over one thousand wrappers. It was not only enlightened individuals who showed their approval; the University Chemistry department was so delighted with this new element for their Periodic Table that they made a bulk order for their coffee breaks.
It was in the sports world, however, that Tunnock's seemed to make their greatest impact. So much so that a frisson of terror moved through the muscular echelons of the Athletic Union. From nowhere had appeared a force so potent that it threatened the very credibility of the University's most respected athletes. Two hitherto unknown men calling themselves the "Cross Country Club 'C' Team" began to perform extraordinary feats of athleticism and nobody was able to explain why. There had been early signs of this revolution in December 1982 when a classified slob had led the Cross-Country Club's Christmas handicap until the last 100 metres where he had eased up to allow a more well-known runner through to take the glory. Asked by the press why he had not taken the title, the slob simply replied: "Well Brian, there just weren't enough TCW's at stake." and he refused to comment any further. The other prominent member of the 'C' Team, hitherto only recognised for the cheerfulness of his facial expression, delivered some masterful displays in woodland throughout Scotland and swept to the captaincy of the University Orienteering Club.
Worried running club officials ordered an enquiry into the pair and they were closely watched for some weeks by private detectives who travelled to away fixtures masquerading as injured athletes. One of these, Steve 'The Shinsplint' Poirot, took a special interest in their pre-match preparations and he noted that they were not adhering to the traditional 'Batley Brunch' of banana rolls and Mars Bars. By discreet larder-tapping and meticulous monitoring of their grocery bills, he discovered that they were consuming an inordinate quantity of Tunnock's Caramel Wafer biscuits. The secret was out; athletes everywhere abandoned Mars Bars and banana rolls and moved over to a programme of Wafer-loading that has since revolutionised British middle-distance running.
Those who still doubted the efficacy of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers in sport were eventually silenced by one great event; The 1983 T.S.B. St Andrews University Fun Run. Hearing that STAUTWAS had entered a team in the race, the cynics and sceptics of the athletic world put together their own bunch of 100% Wafer-free challengers called NOT STAUTCWAS in an attempt to put an end to the proliferation of TCW's in North-East Fife.
The day of the race dawned bright and sunny. Soon competitors were warming up on the start line and the 'C' Team were there, licking the last traces of their pre-race wafers from their lips and, in doing so, inspiring terror into the hearts of the other competitors. They had no reason to be afraid, however, as for the 'C' Team this was just a 12-mile warm-up for the more important challenge of the relay race to be held in the afternoon.
Picture, if you will, the changeover point between penultimate and last legs of a 12-mile relay with athletes milling around in tracksuits, officials and their clipboards, safety pins and number cards: a scene of huge expectancy and excitement. In the midst of all this turmoil there stands a lone figure musing; "How is it," he ponders to himself, "How is it that they get the ripples on the outside of a Caramel Wafer?" Suddenly he hears the thundering of feet, the rippling of muscle and the swish of slipstream. Raising his head, he sees his friend and team-mate the Smiling Tunnock galloping down the hill towards him, head back, nostrils flaring. "Titillating Teacakes, it's me!" cries the Man of Letters and, ripping off his tracksuit just as his team-mate arrives, he seizes the baton from his outstretched arm and, without so much as a preparatory burpee, disappears into the gloom.
The STAUTCWAS team finished in 29th position and, being the only team to fulfil the Scottish Amateur Athletic Association's rule that a baton must be exchanged between each leg, were technically the winners. In recognition of this moral victory, the baton used became the Society's mace and, for many years was an essential piece of furniture at all committee meetings. As for NOT STAUTCWAS, they limped home in 124th position, 95 places behind the Society's heroes and were never heard of again.
Within a week of this triumph, peace was restored to the athletics world with a banquet hosted by the 'C' Team at Pepita's Restaurant. It included an award ceremony sponsored by the Society which can truly be said to mark the beginning of a long and fruitful relationship between STAUTCWAS and the St Andrews running clubs.
As the summer of 1983 dawned, the Society was in good shape indeed: the founding Five headed an unspecified number of worshippers in the appreciation of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers; they had the backing of Mr Tunnock, the University Chaplain and most of the Athletic Union -there remained one official body to convince; the Students Union itself. This was perhaps the greatest challenge yet; recognition in the corridors of power, a place alongside such esteemed bodies as the Jazz Society, Gilbert and Sullivan and Gay Whales Against Racism. Moreover, there was the possibility of a grant. It was going to be along and difficult process.
Several meetings were held, a constitution was drafted, a 20 signature petition was prepared and future policy discussed. At an historic meeting on 4th May 1983 in the public bar of the Niblick Hotel, the decision to go public was unanimously agreed and elections were held for a six-person committee to lead the Society into the next academic year. Advertisements were to be sent to all incoming students and there was to be a stall at the pre-sessional societies fayre. The scene was set for one of the most remarkable displays of mass-idiocy seen in St Andrews since the invention of Golf.
One cannot be sure exactly what that first committee's expectations were; they knew the worth of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers and they had had a good year but there must have been a few doubts about going public. Would the idea catch on? Would it last? And how many ways were they going to divide up the money? To these and many other questions they could find no clear answers so they had another drink and waited for the next academic year to start.
So it was that one Autumn evening five months later the new STAUTCWAS committee sat in bewilderment at their societies fayre stall. They had £100 in cash takings, the assurance of a Union grant and 125 members all asking themselves the same question:
What kind of society is this that we've joined?
Under the guidance of its first committee, the Society quickly took shape. A full calendar of events was drawn up and, whilst these were by no means meant to be prescriptive, it is true to say that many of them have remained regular features in the Society's annual programme.
The membership is kept in touch with the events, developments, intrigue and scurrilous gossip of the Society through the painful wit of whosever job it is to compose THE NEWSLETTER. The STAUTCWAS newsletter is one of the most regular publications in St Andrews, maintaining a standard of journalism just above the level of the Daily Star which means it doesn't take long to read and you're none the wiser when you've read it.
So, dear reader, let us take a gentle stroll through the Society's year and discover just what some people are prepared to do for the sake of a Caramel Wafer.
THE SOCIETIES FAYRE (1st Saturday in October)
This is most people's first contact with STAUTCWAS; fresh-faced youth being coerced by semicrazed undergraduates to sacrifice slightly more that the price of a pint for a chocolate biscuit and a printed membership card. Some people join because they have a deep-rooted love of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers, some because they've never heard of anything so ridiculous and others simply agree in the hope of shutting up the people on the stall for 30 seconds while they write out a membership receipt.
The first ever Tunnock's stall in 1983 was intended to be a joke -unfortunately 125 people decided to join and the joke became an annual event. After all, you can't take subscription money off people and then not do anything all year (unless, of course you're president of the Wispa Society:). The stall is always a colourful affair with displays of what the Society gets up to, articles from the 'historic object' collection and details of all the charities for which money has been raised. The folk who run it are rarely sane and never sober but somehow they manage to woo an ever-increasing membership to part with its pennies one more time.
TUNNOCK'S WEEK (16th to 23rd October)
This is the first event of the calendar and is designed to commemorate the foundation of the Society. The reason it goes on for a whole week is that the first committee couldn't remember the exact date (or very much else for that matter) of the infamous party at which the whole thing began. Some said it was the 16th, some went for the 23rd so in the end they included both dates just to be sure.
During the week an introductory party is held at which the Committee is required to demonstrate to all present precisely how silly the whole thing is and then answer the challenge of the membership in a grand Wafer-eating contest. All members are supplied with a complete membership directory and are encouraged during Tunnock's Week to go and visit as many complete strangers as possible. These visits must never be made empty-handed; Wafers should be offered in return for a cup of something hot and strong.
VALENTINES DAY (February 14th)
STAUTCWAS has a particularly amorous membership and in recognition of this cupidity Valentine's day has become an important day in the calendar. The first ever Valentine's Tunnock was sent to the Man of Letters himself in 1983 and he never discovered who had sent it. This is probably just as well because the anonymous lady had eaten the Wafer and only sent the wrapper which grieved him greatly. All modern recipients of Valentine's Tunnocks, however, have the consolation of a first-rate munch while they puzzle out who might have sent them such a prestigious love token. Many non-members also appreciate the opportunity to send Tunnock's Caramel Wafers rather than flowers; after all who really wants to eat a dozen red roses first thing in the morning when they could have a tasty caramel wafer instead? In order to meet this demand, a massive sales campaign is undertaken by the society with all proceeds going to charity. Furthermore, deliveries are often made early in the morning and this has proved perversely appealing to less romantic students who recognise that a Valentine's Tunnock can be used very effectively to disturb one's enemies at an unsociable hour. Since such malice can be made to do good for charity, STAUTCWAS members have willingly put themselves in the firing line on Valentine's Day.
THE PILGRIMAGE (springtime)
This is one of THE great outings of any society. Imagine Charlie and the Chocolate Factory without the golden tickets and you can see how attractive it is to those with a sweet tooth.
The first pilgrimage in 1982 has been well documented already and was, of course. marred by the factory being closed at the time. In order to avoid any such disappointment being repeated, the committee now organises everything in advance with Mr Tunnock. The second pilgrimage was undertaken in 1984 by four pioneers and what they witnessed has made this a minibus filling outing ever since. Each pilgrim is robed in white overalls and given a hat to wear before being led through the vast labyrinths of machinery which make up Tunnock’s Bakeries. On display are rivers of caramel, vats of chocolate, tanks of syrup and vast sheets of freshly baked wafer. Regiments of teacakes march in perfect formation down the centre of the factory between chocolate ripplers, crumb crushers, wafer wrappers and a host of other intriguing devices. Sampling of the products is permitted and the staff are as friendly as a huge family. During the 1985 visit, the group was so laden with gifts from every department that they hardly had a free hand to dip into the reject teacakes bin!
Relations as a whole between the Society and Thomas Tunnock Ltd are predictably excellent. Since the foundation of the Society in 1982, production of Caramel Wafers has trebled from one to three million per week and they have risen from 47th to 15th in the chocolate biscuit league table. For their part the management has periodically made generous donations to the STAUTCWAS charities fund and helped with fundraising projects. Notwithstanding this goodwill, the firm did show caution in 1985 when it registered the much-loved wrapper design as a copyright.
THE FUN RUN (mid-April)
After surprising even themselves the first year by finishing 29th out of over 100 teams, the Society was even more shocked when its athletes came 6th in the 1984 race. The sweet smell of success became almost as attractive as that of caramel itself so it was with little difficulty and great pride that the committee raised three teams for the 1985 bid. The “A” Team came in 85th, a result attributed largely to their unorthodox mouth to mouth changeover routine. The “B” Team did rather better, coming 10th in fine style, but their worthy effort was almost totally eclipsed by that of the 'C' Team; this noble bunch of Wafer-eaters led the race from the very first changeover and won the event comfortably ahead of Fife Athletic Club. There have been few more glorious moments in the history of STAUTCWAS than the presentation of a magnum of champagne to the winners on that fine Sunday afternoon in April '85.
Having won the event and shown their worth once and for all, the Society adopted a different policy in 1986 and was again successful. Four teams were entered; one came 38th, another 54th, the third ran in pyjamas and came 102nd but it was the fourth that stole the glory: they elected to complete the entire race running backwards and not only were they not last (110th/111) but they also won a bottle of champagne for being the most unusual team.
THE ANNUAL GENERAL MEETING
The first such meeting was held in the Niblick Hotel in May 1983. Enthusiasm ran very high since all present were pioneers in a new and very silly venture. By 1984, however, the importance of a place on the committee of one of the University's biggest societies led to Some fierce political campaigning. One bid for presidency was even run by post from the French Alps. Then, in an extraordinary cabinet shake-up, the elected President resigned his seat to enable his closest rival to take control. The number of Caramel Wafers that changed hands during that month has never been discovered.
It was sometimes felt in those early days that the Society might not outlive the undergraduacy of its founders but, with a strictly non-incestuous appointments policy, each A.G.M. brought fresh faces, new ideas and enthusiasm and it soon became clear that these fears were unfounded. Now that all those who witnessed its birth have left St Andrews, the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society is stronger than it has ever been.
In addition to these six regular events there has been a multitude of parties, trips and feats of stupidity organised by the committee of by members with a sense of adventure. The spirit of STAUTCWAS has always been one of spontaneity and every member is encouraged to do her/his bit for the promotion of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers worldwide.
A number of members, for example, have made a point of carrying Tunnock's Caramel Wafers with them when travelling and have sought to consume them in unusual places. So far these include the top of the Eiffel Tower, Hong Kong Harbour, at 10000 feet up an Alp, at 50000 feet over the Atlantic at twice the speed of sound and 200 miles inside the Arctic circle in a submarine.
In 1984, application was made to NASA to send a Tunnock's Caramel Wafer up into orbit in the Space Shuttle. After a period of several months during which the matter was obviously being given serious consideration, a letter arrived from the person who answers their mail detailing the cost of such a mission. Unfortunately it proved prohibitive.
Keen Wafer-spotters have unearthed their dearly beloved delicacy in the most unusual places: The Tate Gallery, Metropolitan Police Headquarters, for sale in Trinidad and Malta and, of course, in Alf Roberts' shop on ITV's 'Coronation Street'. Where the real thing could not be procured, cheap copies have been sampled in Spain and The People's Republic of China.
A great deal of research has gone into the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer wrapper; were you aware, for example that the firm has devised a special way of sending two fingers to the Arabs? Or that the Waitrose contract used to be supplied in smaller wrappers because there was one less layer of caramel. Every small change in design has been picked up by the Society's experts.
Since the founding five discovered its remarkable properties as wallpaper, members of STAUTCWAS have come up with several other good uses for the most attractive wrapper in modern confectionary. Amongst the more mentionable ones are writing paper, birthday card, post card, bookmark, high velocity paper dart, cigarette holder, car window sticker and counterfeit Martian £5 note.
As with any polarisation of the forces of good, STAUTCWAS has attracted its share of evil scheming rivals. In the 1983 Fun Run, as we have seen, a group calling itself "Not STAUTCWAS" raised a team to challenge the Society. They were beaten by 98 places and never heard of again.
Not long afterwards another group emerged called "Breakaway". They planted inferior confectionary in traditional Tunnock's territories disguised as the real thing but the discerning public soon put a stop to their activities.
The most serious challenge to date was mounted by a group calling itself "Wispa or Wot" who, with the backing of ruthless multinationals, set up a societies fayre stall in 1984. They seduced almost as many members as STAUTCWAS of whom some were spies sent to investigate the threat of this new phenomenon. The Wispa tactic was a devious one; they laid low for several months until it was believed they had absconded with the membership fee. STAUTCWAS spies, eager to expose a massive swindle, eventually provoked them into action and they organised a party. At this party (at which attendance was distinctly sparse) a courageous STAUTCWAS member, who also happened to be the fastest runner in the University, raised the Tunnocks standard in defiance and then ran for his life with an angry posse in hot pursuit.
Instead of answering the challenge, Wispasoc again laid low. They withdrew their Fun Run team at the last minute in order to avoid certain humiliation and then suddenly issued the challenge of five-a-side football. They won this encounter by five goals to nil and thus earned the hard-won respect of STAUTCWAS. The return fixture was a three-legged affair but victory eluded the Society once again. With the score tied at three-all the entire STAUTCWAS team was ordered off for intimidating the three-legged referee.
It was then left to the student public, many of whom were members of both societies, to decide which they preferred but STAUTCWAS's greater antiquity, variety of activities and stimulating newsletter were difficult qualities to overlook when making one's choice. It was therefore not wholly surprising that "Wispa or Wot" failed to reappear in 1986.
Despite its legendary success at road-racing, the Society has not confined itself to that sport I alone. Ten-pin bowling, for example, proved very popular once the social convenor learned that you . were supposed to let go of the ball before launching it at the skittles. Ice-skating was less popular and those who remember the darts-night in '84 would agree that it might have been more successful if there'd been a board!
At one time it became very popular for sporting members to wear a Tunnock's wrapper on their team strip. However, this became a dangerous sport in itself after one member was threatened with instant I disqualification for alleged illegal sponsorship at the 1985 Allan Scally road relay championship.
Whilst the Society concerns itself primarily with the ordinary person in the street, it does not neglect the needs of the rich and famous. On the occasion of the installation of Katharine Whitehorn as Rector in 1983, the Society presented her with a four-pack of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers as a gesture of welcome. The result was most gratifying as she mentioned STAUTCWAS in a very favourable light in her address to new students the following year. Recognising the value of being in touch with vital student concerns, her successor Stanley Adams did likewise.
On a particularly raucous visit to Fife in 1984 the Society's man in retailing, the disreputable Mr A.T., proposed that members should try to obtain famous autographs on the backs of Caramel Wafer wrappers with a prize for the most popular signatory who agreed. The Elvis Presley entry was dismissed as a probable forgery, Her Majesty Queen Elisabeth II replied through the master of her household but had to be disqualified for failure to sign the wrapper, the Prime Minister, Mrs Thatcher, was also disqualified for sending a signed photograph of herself and not the wrapper as requested but a number of valid scalps have been collected so far: Mr Tunnock graciously obliged with his revered mark; the Poet Laureate wrote some relevant verses on the backs of his wrappers; the Principal of the University added some memoirs of his first contact with "these outrageously nutritious rectangular parallelipipods"; the Rector of the University Stanley Adams enclosed an autographed copy of his book to be auctioned for the charities fund; ex-Rector John Cleese, author Douglas Adams and cricketer Geoffrey Boycott also did their duty but the favourite entry for Tunnock-eating superstar must be that finest Scottish footballer of all time, Kenny Dalglish who can be forgiven for signing the wrong side of the wrapper. All these wrappers were then auctioned for charity.
The Society once maintained a 12-hour vigil in the bar of The Dunvegan Hotel during which it was decided that there should be a President's Liver memorial prize for the most spectacular (legal) feat of stupidity carried out in support of the good name of Tunnock's Caramel Wafers. Unfortunately, it was never awarded because everyone was too pissed to remember about it until years later.
Membership of a body so esteemed as the Tunnock's Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society brings many benefits beyond the narrow confines of undergraduate life in St. Andrews. Anyone who has worn a Tunnock's tie, T-shirt or badge in public knows what a conversation piece it can be. What a privilege it is to tell the story of StAUTCWAS to some inquisitive wayfarer and see their face melt into an expression of delighted disbelief! A place on the committee is a truly priceless asset on one's CV; it is a well-known fact that a certain founder-member was offered half a dozen top computing jobs on the strength of this alone. The world knows that it cannot afford to ignore those who have found the deepest sources of joy in life.
It would be inappropriate to end this tale with a conclusion because the story is far from over: in St. Andrews the society marches triumphantly onwards towards its 5th birthday, and the 21st century. Elsewhere, former members of StAUTCWAS and those many Tunnock's enthusiasts who have not had the fortune to be undergraduates in St. Andrews are gathering under the banner of ITCWAS - the International Tunnock's Caramel Wafer Appreciation Society. So the lunacy that began in a moment of inebriation continues to thrive and continues to spread. It is devoutly to be wished that whilst the freshness of caramel and the folly of youth are there to support it, the Society will never become crusty or set in its ways. Let us conclude simply with a few lines from the Society hymnal:
The wrappers red and gold,
And when you taste them you'll know why
Each week three million are sold.
You can buy them for eleven 'p',
Which really saves you money,
And then just think how pleased you'll be
With a Tunnock's in your tummy.